Letter to my Dad – I miss you so much

Dear Dad,
I miss you so much. I have dreams again and again in which I make plans with you — to go to lunch, to get together, to start our business, to spend time and do discussion on current affairs. As hard as all of this has been for me, the hardest thing is that Luluwa, and mohammad, will not know you. I am so glad that Luluwa knew you and that you had a year with her. I know that she won’t remember you, but you held her and she felt your love and was so excited to see you. I am also so happy that mohammad also got a chance to meet you. I’ll take them, to the places where you had spent your time most and tell them stories about their Grandpa for all my life. Please help me to be a good and loving father; come to me and fill me with your endless capacity for love and strength.
Dad, I miss you so much that it physically hurts me. There are times when I feel like I can’t breathe, like my chest is going to explode. I know that you will always be there in my heart, but I don’t know if that will be enough for me. You are the best and ideal man I have ever known. I wish you were here so I could talk to you about Luluwa and mohammad. Your second grandson was moving all around, kicking and waving. Everything looks good. He’s growing and developing wonderfully.
You always told me that the proudest day of your life was the day I was born. The proudest day of my life was the day when Mohammad born, but the proudest moment was on that day, was when you held my son.  God how I miss you. You were my best friend, my best buddy since I was a baby. You taught me so much — you gave me the world. I have so much to be grateful for, but I feel shorted. Dad, we should have had another 20 or 30 years. My kids should have had a chance to grow up with you in their lives. Though I will move heaven and earth to try, I can’t make up for that — I can’t bring all of you through to them — but I will try.

For my whole life, you stood behind me, supporting me, encouraging me, getting me out of trouble, teaching me, getting after me, loving me. For every time that I hurt you, ever, little or big, I am so sorry. I am consoled by the fact that you knew I loved you. I am feeling guilty for not expressing my love and thank to you. I am overwhelmed with sadness and joy at the same time when I remember my first and last birthday you had attended as I remember you stood to greet me my birthday OH ALAS I kissed your forehead. In my life nothing could make me cry more than watching you cry.
Dad, I feel like I can’t mess up anymore. You may be able to how me spiritually, but you can’t be there physically to rescue me. You have done a wonderful job of preparing me for the difficulties and the joys of life, but I feel lost without you anyway. I am trying to live life one day at a time and not to obsess about the times to come when I will miss you so. Now The holidays are tough and will be tough. I have stayed sober through it all, Dad. Thank you for that; I know that I could not have done so without you helping me. I’ll try to be more in touch with my spirituality — you know that’s not easy for me. I’ll try not to take the world on my shoulders all the time.
When I got the call from abdul wahid afternoon of Thursday 19, July 2007 that the doctors were trying to revive you. I don’t know how, but I knew that you were gone. I know that it is good that you didn’t have to suffer a long and lingering illness or death. I know, but if one more person tells me that I might explode. Dad, it may be selfish, but I might have bought some more time. You were too young and too vital to go so soon, not at 51.
Dad, please remember all the things that I told you before and after you left this life. I love you so deeply. As I sit here typing this and crying, I see your smiling face, I feel your big solid slap on the back, I feel your bear hug and hear you say “I love you.” You were the King. Your crown prince loves you and misses you. Thanks for telling me that you loved me virtually every day of my life. I know I gave you my thank you’s when I said goodbye, but if you don’t remember in the commotion of moving on: thank you for my first PC which you bought for me 1750 QAR, for encouraging me , teaching me how to fight with difficulties, taking me to games from the time I was eighteen months, thank you for the zoo, for the video game; thank you for the little yellow tractor; thank you for your sobriety; thank you for my sobriety; thank you for late night discussion on current affairs, for letting me stay up late with my Dad; thank you for teaching me that family always comes first, no matter what; thank you for giving me your name; thank you for always, always, always putting your children first; for seventeen years of private schools; thank you for always being there for me, no matter what; thank you for teaching me about everything, and for learning about the things that I was interested in that you didn’t know about; thank you for your honesty, since I was a little boy; thank you for your friendship; thank you for respecting my opinion and talking to me like I was an adult even when I was little; thank you for sharing your life with me; thank you for teaching me about right and wrong and showing me the courage to step forward to do right and challenge wrong; thank you for the trips to the hospital, time and again, for this injury or illness or that; thank you for your warmth, for your hardy laugh, your twinkling eyes; thank you for teaching how to think, how to act; thank you for being a gentleman, and trying to teach me how to be one, even if it wasn’t always in our nature; thank you for your righteous indignation, I have never seen anyone else come close; thank you for demanding that I do my best; thank you for a lifetime of love, support, kindness, warmth and friendship; thank you for teaching me how to win and how to lose with class; thank you for war movies; thank you for not being perfect, but for always striving to be better, to grow, learn and develop; thank you for you, for being the man you are and were and for always loving me so well and so much. Thank you for the world that you brought me and for all the good things I am. I think about you every time I experience any of the things above; you brought them to me and to this day — and for every day to come — when I think of them or see or experience them, I think of you. And now I have to thank you for something that I would gladly give back, something I never wanted.

Every night before I put Luluwa to bed, we pray to you; you know what we ask for. And every night, when I lay Luluwa down and tuck her in, I say, “Goodnight , I love you.” I do love you so. God bless and love you, I certainly do.

Goodnight Daddy, I love you,

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One comment on “Letter to my Dad – I miss you so much
  1. Nadir says:

    may be no one would ever understand how much you love and miss your father. I remember him. He was a great person. May Allah rest his soul in peace. Ameen

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